[31 Dec 2006|09:27pm] [ mood | amused ] Your results: You are Robin Robin 95% Green Lantern 80% Superman 75% Spider-Man 75% Hulk 70% Supergirl 65% Wonder Woman 50% Catwoman 40% The Flash 40% Batman 35% Iron Man 35% Young and acrobatic. You don't mind stepping aside to give someone else glory. Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test 1 comment|post comment

whatever [21 Jul 2006|01:18pm] [ mood | annoyed ] You scored as Male. Being mostly male, within your structures of thinking simply means that your reasoning powers are the way they are perceived in Western Culture higher than the one of the opposite sex. Psychoanalsis claims this to come at the price of creative expression - a rational thinker can not think out of the box it is claimed. Yet, many creative Minds were men. </td> Male 71% Either 64% Neither 57% Female 39% Should you be MALE or FEMALE?* created with QuizFarm.com some of the possibly 'female' questions were written in teenage girlspeak. post comment

lol, nice [26 Jun 2006|02:40pm] what decade does your personality live in? quiz brought to you by lady interference, ltd the sad thing is, these days, it's a struggle for me to remember what simple things like shoes look like. for the record, at the age i was when i'd watch american bandstand, in the 80s, i just thought the people couldn't dance as well as the people on soul train. like i was telling my boy the other day, i really hated racism when i was in junior high in the 80s. not that i love it now, but back then, all i did in my spare time was watch television, listen to r&b music on wgci, and grit my teeth that black people never seemed to get the props they deserved. when i was in 7th grade, my parents had a bunch of jet magazines my sister and i used to thumb through. one jet featured a cover story on a set of fraternal twins born in england--one was 'black' and the other blonde with blue eyes. the black girls were in the majority of my 7th grade class, so invariably, there were perpetual black vs. white and boys vs. girls wars being fought beneath the surface. i did an experiment where i took the jet magazine cover to class and asked my white and black classmates which baby they thought was more cute. invariably, the white kids choose the white baby and the black kids, the biracial looking baby. surprise, surprise, right? for one thing, one of my white classmates--the only kid who could beat me in arm wrestling--seemed to pick the white baby without even thinking about it. for another, that same year (1984), michael jackson made it into the encyclopedia and this same girl claimed he was half white???? back then, pop music and r&b were very separate genres and crossing over to the mainstream audience was a big deal. more fuel for the 7th grade wars. the adult in me realizes that there were random spats the kids had for what could have been a handful of times in the whole school year. the kid in me let those random events define time back then. so, i honed my drawing skills and loved drawing multi-racial characters i wished i could make into dolls, ala the current craze, cabbage patch kids. not only that--i wrote stories about four teenage girls who i called 'witness youth'. they were different shades of brown and had teen pregnancy/religious drama. yadda yadda yadda. for what it's worth, if rick james could have the mary jane girls, i wanted some 'hoes', too. those sunday night movies were an inspiration to me then...........i can't pay attention to anything so dramatic now. it hurts my brain to try and remember that time, when i used to love drawing cute things, women's bodies, clothes and hairstyles. i don't have the time to look at anything long enough to care so much right now. life used to be oddly more real back then. people and things had character and personality. now, i struggle to keep up with change and people come and go from my life. it's natural. i'm controlling my imagination and hyper sensitivity to get by. .....but i'll be damned if i don't indulge it again when i feel safer and have a chance. 2 comments|post comment

man alive [30 May 2006|03:23pm] [ mood | drained ] [ music | npr ] it's been a long time since i've mustered the moxie to write, but i forget how good it is for my health to do so. i'll do my best: sunday, i returned from the funeral of my mother's youngest sister. she had just turned 49 about 2 weeks ago and died of colon cancer. the onset of which escapes me, but she'd been battling the cancer for some time before it spread to the liver and grew increasingly terminal. everything about the experience was and is profoundly surreal: the hope that she enjoyed her life; the confusion of how she became so ill, so quickly; the culture shock of southern culture with their orgasmic funeral processions and whatever it is that simmers beneath their hot sun; wondering how the doggedly competitive culture of my mother's family shaped my own non-competitive identity. all of this while helping my sister travel with her two rambunctious children and worrying about my own mortality and homelife. it's crazy-making, ya know? throughout all of this, i've been trying to organize my life, wean off of anti-depressants, sugar, and coffee, clean up my diet, and make sense of my own personal strengths and weaknesses so i can pursue a more effective career path. uh, blah. some of that is fun/satisfyingly challenging, but much of it is stressful, frightening, exhausting, and lonely. especially when your partner doesn't try to relate and you realize it's because he has never and may never feel powerless and weak. that sounds a bit harsh to me......more accurately, i feel like someone who is growing in the shadows of someone who has always believed himself fully grown and has no awareness of smallness. i only have myself to blame for feeling victimized or getting into situations where i can't at least function competitively. i just don't know how to prove myself yet. and i hate writing shit that doesn't make sense so i'm stopping right here. post comment

i seem to puzzle obsessively about the fact [28 Oct 2005|04:57pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | chopin, etude a minor ] that some people believe they have the right to execute judgement on others for doing or being anything they think is wrong. the potential for violence from these 'executioners' plagues me. other people are moved to watch violence and may find parts of the spectacle humorous. my earliest observation of this tendency in people occurred in childhood. this had been a frightening experience for me, not having a satisfying perspective from which to integrate so many incongruent sights and sounds. it had also led me to fear the possiblity that the violence could be inevitable and in many ways to become immobilized. aspects of my personality remain undeveloped because of fear, leaving me in the most general sense not knowing what to 'do.' 1 comment|post comment

turn off the signal, wipe out the noise [24 Oct 2005|02:36pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | liszt, mephisto waltz no. 1 ] i need to get out more. either that, or peter gabriel is my personal savior, and i just need to accept that fact. his lyrics speak to my personal circumstances. they either give me subliminal suggestions that i go forth and make so, or they reveal answers to me just in time. hmm. i wonder if there's a difference. especially since i haven't listened to anything by peter gabriel in longer than i can remember. so today from the book of peter, verse 'signal to noise,' chapter 'up,' i realized that what i really want to do is stop, turn the sound off of whatever conflict i'm having with myself or others, see what the real problem is, fix it if it can be fixed, or stop emoting over it if there is nothing i or any qualified professional can do to correct it. i suspect many of my conflicts arise within my own body. if they are structural, they can be managed with range of movement exercises and yoga. if they are systemic and beyond the scope of my observations, then i can go to a doktor. ....and that's one for me to grow on today. 1 comment|post comment

canta una cancion [30 Aug 2005|10:59am] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | npr, fresh air ] well, it looks like we're a'movin. the store, that is. pec decks, personal trainers.....the resident supplement store of a pretty hardcore weight lifters gym. our rent will be 1/4 what it currently is. we should start making money, i hope!!!! yesterday was kind of a bummer for my boy, though. when he came home, his brother called and asked him for a pretty sizable amount of money to pay his gas bill. my boy comes from a poor family and we give them money a couple times a year--often for emergencies--that my mother-in-law is not proud to request. my older brother-in-law has only asked us for money once before more than a year ago likely, so this was a bit of a surprise. later last night, the boy came to me visibly shaken and asked that i fuck him. he has a new job that is finally giving him the challenge his previous job wasn't. his boss is as devoted to programming as he is and he loves it. however, he has made some minor mistakes that have gotten attention. in our 12 years, i can't remember him actually being unsure of his work. last night was bizarre, to say the least. i have to say, feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness have plagued me my whole life. the boy, on the other hand, has not made any significant mistakes in our life together. as much as that puts me continually at a disadvantage in our relationship, i would absolutely hate for him to feel like i feel. i mean.......seriously. i will need a well-trained force and several entrance and exit strategies to keep him propped up should he even waiver. ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm so, i parted from my usual 'fall-asleep-on-the-futon-in-front-of-the-science-channel' routine and went to bed at a decent hour with the boy. we chatted and fucked like we used to in our 20s again. that was fun. remind me to order a supply of sponges from canada, because fear takes away from sex for me. post comment

thanks, tressiemc! [25 Aug 2005|09:17pm] [ mood | awake ] Outcast Genius 52 % Nerd, 60% Geek, 69% Dork For The Record: A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia. A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one. A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions. You scored better than half in all three, earning you the title of: Outcast Genius. Outcast geniuses usually are bright enough to understand what society wants of them, and they just don't care! They are highly intelligent and passionate about the things they know are *truly* important in the world. Typically, this does not include sports, cars or make-up, but it can on occassion (and if it does then they know more than all of their friends combined in that subject). Outcast geniuses can be very lonely, due to their being outcast from most normal groups and too smart for the room among many other types of dorks and geeks, but they can also be the types to eventually rule the world, ala Bill Gates, the prototypical Outcast Genius. Congratulations! Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in either of the following: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Professional Wrestling My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 34% on nerdiness You scored higher than 75% on geekosity You scored higher than 98% on dork points Link: The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test written by donathos on OkCupid Free Online Dating would that it were true. post comment

....an easily absorbed amino acid supplement [25 Aug 2005|10:54am] [ mood | awake ] [ music | npr ] i'm still around, still trying to get my act together, still confused, still um, short, still married, still black. what else? my year as a sports nutrition store owner/studio director has been quite a ride that's about to take what i hope will be a turn for the better. it's a long, arduous process to drum up clients for a new yoga/pilates studio. we were banking on the strength of our supplement sales to continue sustaining the store while the studio took shape. they have floundered pretty badly this year, though, necessitating that we relocate to a less expensive space. i got us a lead on a space in a gym that is a fraction of the rent we currently pay. i'm trying not to get too excited, but i seriously hope this deal works out. i also have some other business ideas brewing under my bandana. mama just wants to be a self-sufficient enterprise. not asking for too much, i hope. we're on a summer break from yoga teacher training and begin the fall session in mid-september. this break has been much deserved and has allowed the material from the spring to sink in while i continue practicing and remembering why i love yoga in the first place. the intense certification program coupled with my worries over the store, my marriage, my house, my garden, etc., etc., have left me stunned and dazed most of the year. my dok and i suspect i may have add and i started taking adderall a month or so ago to help me focus. it has been a godsend and has even helped me be more present and energized for my yoga practice. it's a shame that i need to take speed to tend to my daily affairs. well, i'm goofing off right now, obviously, and kinda have been goofing off since we began negotiating for what looks like a promising solution to our business woes. feels good, though. speaking of feeling good, i feel a lot stronger, more loose, and steadier on my feets lately. i practice yoga or go to the gym almost everyday and for the last month or so, the boy and i have been doing a pretty challenging core workout in the mornings before woik. my torso feels tons stronger and my yoga has gotten easier. we've both noticed the affects of the core workout in, um, other areas of our life, too. alls i gotta say is when fitv's cathe friedman says 'are you working, really working? get up there,' she ain't lyin. 6 comments|post comment

being a grown up sucks [28 Jul 2005|12:30pm] the Wit (60% dark, 21% spontaneous, 16% vulgar) your humor style: CLEAN | COMPLEX | DARK You like things edgy, subtle, and smart. I guess that means you're probably an intellectual, but don't take that to mean you're pretentious. You realize 'dumb' can be witty--after all isn't that the Simpsons' philosophy?--but rudeness for its own sake, 'gross-out' humor and most other things found in a fraternity leave you totally flat. I guess you just have a more cerebral approach than most. You have the perfect mindset for a joke writer or staff writer. Your sense of humor takes the most effort to appreciate, but it's also the best, in my opinion. Also, you probably loved the Office. If you don't know what I'm talking about, check it out here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/theoffice/. PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Jon Stewart - Woody Allen - Ricky Gervais My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 54% on dark You scored higher than 0% on spontaneous You scored higher than 0% on vulgar Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid post comment

....and then we're gonna work on the soundtrack [26 Jul 2005|11:34am] yesterday was quite a trip. i don't know how it happened, but time slowed down a little for me. i came home at the time i'm supposed to and waited for the boy to get home so we could go to the home depot. we had a portable air conditioner incident that morning and needed to go rent a carpet cleaner and return the air conditioner. you know, the kind of tasks that drain the life right out of you, if you're not into going to the home depot in 90 degree weather hauling wanna-be major appliances. everything started to make 'sense' and looked connected, like a symphony so long as there was no conflict (which was in my house before getting in the car). the driver's side door was open, but when boy got in, he didn't open the passenger door for me. i pantomimed crying and had to explain to him why. once we started driving i could see people's attitudes through their cars. they drive so aggressively and carelessly. i jokingly yelled 'just fuck your wife!' to an imaginary driver. i could see the boy and his sometimes obliviousness. i know i have breaks with reality often. we must be synced up so that at least one of us is paying attention. gotta stay that way. so the boy's driving, and i almost felt like he would swerve all over the road from not paying attention. i tried keeping him steady with my mind, and he chatted the whole time about god-knows-what work or task related tedium. at the home depot, the people remind me of my high school sometimes and, well, i don't wanna go into how much i was dreading the boy making a stink about the shoddy service. i listened to him talk to the cashier and saw how much faster he was than the kid. the boy doesn't seem to be aware that he thinks and talks exceptionally quickly. i listened for the gaps to fill in, so the process could go as smoothly as possible. it was no big deal, really (thank god). when we were leaving, though, the security guard commented boy about something in what i can only imagine was code. security guard looked about our age. he didn't smile and his aura was a little heavy for me. when we got in the car, i joked that we needed to leave town, stat. by now, we'd been sent on a journey to the other home depot for the air conditioner we had hoped to exchange (as i knew we would). the boy was still driving a little too erratically for me and i noted the friendly neighborhood crazy person crossing in front of us, right on cue. so, back at home (no air conditioner. rented the carpet cleaner and bought a dehumidifier), we start cleaning the carpets. i should note that the basement is basically boy's apartment.....yet, cleaning the carpets somehow requires both of us. i clean the attic and the street level and manage not to need any assistance, but that's neither here nor there. the carpet was soaked where the air conditioner leaked and it was necessary to just let the carpet cleaner sit in one spot for a time and watch the water being sucked up. we took turns at this. at points, i just watched the boy. often, we had different systems for using the carpet cleaner (i'm assuming he had one) that were like two different answers to the same problem. mine seemed more direct to me. watching him work, he didn't seem as self assured as usual. not self conscious, but not self assured. slap happy, maybe even. we blew a fuse three times. at some points, we weren't on the same wavelength, and i felt sad for boy being all alone. it was a weird energetic experience and i'm probably not explaining it all very well. even though i was exhaaauuuusted, after we finished, i suggested we go return the carpet cleaner right then. of course, the task-oriented boy was ready to go, even though he was tired, too. i then said, 'so, is it me? am i the one in charge?' we went back to home depot and parked near the door. we saw the security guard again. boy was ahead of me with the carpet cleaner and the security guard told us we would need to go in another way. he said something else i couldn't hear, but we could get in the door, anyway. i noticed that i always end up walking behind boy and joked that i had him on a leash. i went into a bit where i was managing a wayward chimp. boy seemed to soften (my little bits get tiresome to him sometimes). i hope whatever all that was, the boy understands why i crash on the futon at night. he admitted that he screwed up something at work because he wouldn't stop picking at it. things usually work out pretty well for him and i'd really hate to see that change. i wouldn't pick that time to threaten to divorce him if they did. post comment

more on that wacky religion of me ma's.... [25 Jul 2005|11:48am] i can blame something other than myself (like my mother's religion) for my problems like any other human, at least with words. not deep down. i'm reminded that it was frowned upon to show too much enthusiasm for anything 'worldly' when i was growing up a jehovah's witness......meaning, anything besides going to the kingdom hall, participating in kingdom hall activities, and reading kingdom hall materials was not supposed to be important to us. i noticed this weekend that it takes a long time for me to honestly access my feelings because so many of them had to be repressed most of my life. the boy grew exasperated with me for making this 'claim' (or so it seems that's how he sees it) when i shared the discovery that i've been very bored with my responsibilities lately. this boredom actually drains my energy. i think i panic at the boredom, not knowing how long it will last, and then end up so exhausted from the internal struggle that i lie around on the futon when i get home. most of the time, i fall asleep there. not good for my sex life. the boy has been calling my antics lazy in conversations this weekend, as we're going through his cyclical divorce talks. obviously, on the outside, i appear lazy. my lying around is not willful, though, and i do get something accomplished in a day, with much difficulty. the more difficulty, the less energy i have left over for sex or getting off of the futon before i fall asleep there. post comment

you know what.... [21 Jul 2005|07:21pm] fuck it. my mother's religion has ruined my life. i am either shy, stubborn, have add or whatever the fuck by nature, but if it weren't for her crazy religion insisting that we not mix with 'the world' i may have learned a few more social skills than what i've managed to acquire in the last 12 years, only because i got married against their wishes and went away to college. that was a big no-no, too. can you imagine? a bachelor's degree doesn't mean shit and these people convince parents who don't know shit not to let their kids even get that. at least the other christians have their own college and believe it's worthwhile to pursue something in this life. so now, i tumbled through school with no concept of the 'real world' or my own abilities, went through a devastating struggle for a b.s. that threw me into a persistent existential state, got a job my peers constantly referred to as 'mind-numbing' and suitable for 'monkeys that type' that i feared i couldn't surpass, fell in love with yoga but couldn't convince my boy it was a worthwhile pursuit, lost my monkey job due to cataclysmic world events, fretted and looked for work unsuccessfully for months, posed as an adjunct with no idea what i was doing or why, other than i didn't want to embarrass the friend who felt sorry for me and got me the job, and am now getting certified to teach yoga (it took a few years for the boy to feel less against the idea), and trying to run a business and feeling like a complete bumble fuck failure. what does any of that have to do with my mother's religion? well, maybe if i hadn't been relegated to the select group of jehovah's witness kids to choose from for friendship, i could've learned what i'm good at, what i can do, what i can't do, what i like to do, and what's out there to do when i was in high school like a normal teenager!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! maybe my parents would've been exposed to normal teenagers, too, and would've learned that it's not the end of the world if they do something or make a decision. oh, right, we weren't doing anything because the world is going to end any day now. that was just a suggestion, i suppose. that the world was going to end. just a little joke they liked to tell on sundays. so now, i have no idea what i'm supposed to be doing, no one to turn to for guidance, and little time and energy to learn the reams of stuff i still don't know. i don't understand things unless they're coming right at me. how much time do i have left before that train of stuff i should fucking know by now runs me right the fuck over. and it doesn't matter a fuck if it does, cause the whole world might not end, but everyone's does someday and that's all she wrote. 4 comments|post comment

where have i been [14 Jul 2005|07:39pm] [ mood | blank ] i'm so sorry i post so sporadically. i read so many great journals that said what i was gonna say and better! so anyway, i have no air conditioning, or a very poorly functioning air conditioner and have sat here in tepid conditions all day, drinking numerous 20 oz bottles of water. since i haven't had a desk job since 2002, my water consumption has dwindled from the gallon a day i had been drinking to less than half that amount, i'm sure. i'm reminded now how wonderful it feels to drink a ton of water in a day. this has been an interesting summer for me.....i've been trying to get my act together, which means bumping up against my weaknesses constantly and trying to be better than myself in order to get things done. it gets a little tiresome, since you don't get any points for trying as an adult. maybe that's why people snap and kill people......she was trying her best, but her best wasn't the same as 'the best' and no one had time to notice how much she had to strain for that. it's also becoming apparent to me that my deep seated feelings of inferiority, dislike of conflict, and lack of insight into the perspective of 'normal people' put me at a disadvantage. being brought up a black woman and jehovah's witness will do that to you, but it's disappointing to see how much so and how much the onus is entirely on one's self to cope. i guess i'm glad i'm learning now. post comment

well.... [14 Apr 2005|03:19pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | groove salad: a nicely chilled plate of ambient beats ] i've been reading journals all day until my brain is now a-buzzing. sigh. why do i have such poor time management skills? how i frustrate myself when i wake up from an unproductive hypnotic state and realize i've pissed away most of the day. i also feel very ugly right now. it's funny how being annoyed about my appearance can affect everything about how i relate to the world. my skin is out of control with acne and scaring. i don't know what to do about it. i may start wearing makeup to cover the blemishes, but that always seems to make the condition worse.......and i feel phony wearing makeup. i need to do something about my hair, also. it's long and kinky and always has been, making it difficult for me to decide to cut it or let it dred--two options that would solve my hair dilemmas. my hair is a problem nagging at me in the back of my head that i want to solve so i can move on. i don't know anyone with hair like mine nor do i ever see pictures/live women with hairstyles i can imagine arranging my life to maintain. thus.....i trudge on with two ponytails and hair that doesn't get washed often enough. this can't be good for my skin. 6 comments|post comment

wastin' tiiiiiiiiiiime [22 Mar 2005|11:31am] [ mood | blank ] [ music | npr ] i had a nice three day weekend that i spent catching up on housework. now that i'm back at the store, i can't seem to focus and do much work. i've been hipped to craigslist, so i'm posting ads/reading ads there. so, i've decided to cut down on my tv consumption. even though i watch the science channel, hardball, the sunday news shows, and hbo movies, it's just too much. it's making me crazy. fast-forwarding through commercials doesn't seem to keep them from leaking their stereotypes into my psyche and gradually making me crazy. last night, i took a yoga class led by the most amazingly fit older woman i'd ever seen in life. it was a vinyasa flow class and it whupped my ass!!!! on the yoga mat, with an elder teacher, i find a headspace i hadn't been in since grade school. most adults i deal with are around my age and not much more experienced in life than i am. my parents and i have grown apart with some common experiences they can offer advice on that i take gratefully when i can. it's difficult for me to trust that someone would want to share knowledge with me or help me at all, as most people are understandably engrossed in their own lives. i don't even believe medical care providers have time to care about their patient's well-being and expect to take responsibility for my own health. someone older than my parents who has something to teach me is refreshing--especially since he/she is teaching me something i am asking to learn, and not forcing an unsolicited opinion on me like in my youth. yoga has life lessons for me that i'm looking forward to uncovering and sharing with others. i hope one of them is that it's ok to care about people and not expect anything in return. this morning, i had a wonderful conversation with one of my instructors about animals and cooking. it's been a long time since i've been able to enjoy my hobbies without feeling like i was wasting time or that my hobbies indicated that i was a failure as a human being. these ideas may or may not ultimately be true, but they used not to be so foremost in my mind, causing a type of paralysis. i used to delight in people's eccentricities and idiosyncrisies, but gradually have become obsessed with finding a truth in human existence, in answering the question, 'why do i (or does this person) deserve to be alive?' it's gross, i know. so far, i have come up with 'to learn how to live in this body, on this earth, at this time.' 3 comments|post comment

are you serious? [17 Mar 2005|09:37am] [ mood | blank ] [ music | npr ] Bourbon Congratulations! You're 125 proof, with specific scores in beer (60) , wine (116), and liquor (78). Screw all that namby-pamby chick stuff, you're going straight for the bottle and a shot glass! It'll take more than a few shots of Wild Turkey or 99 Bananas before you start seeing pink elephants. You know how to handle your alcohol, and yourself at parties. My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 51% on proof You scored higher than 86% on beer index You scored higher than 95% on wine index You scored higher than 91% on liquor index Link: The Alcohol Knowledge Test written by hoppersplit on Ok Cupid there was a time a few years ago when i wanted to become more sophisticated, learn about good food, join a wine club, and learn the craft of bar tending. ...and then 9/11 happened and gradually, nothing seemed more important than watching, listening to, and talking about the news everyday. hmm. have i even bathed since 9/11? what a waste. in other news, i really missed the wonderfully vivid dreams i used to have. don't know why they stopped, exactly, but i'm glad i'm starting to experience and remember them again. last night/this morning, i dreamt i was pregnant and it was unclear if the baby was my boy's or my business partner's. soon, i realized it was my business partner's. i was afraid of having an amniocentesis, but i may have been doped up enough that it was a painless procedure. i learned the baby was a girl and i was three months along, debating whether i'd have an abortion. it would be odd to explain why she was half filipino to my family, though my boy would still parent her. my business partner would want me to keep the baby, i feared, since his sister is currently pregnant and he is strongly influenced by his family. my sister would also have been very against an abortion, especially since her friend recently had a half filipino daughter she had considered aborting. i doubt i would even get any of those mother fuckers in my business if i were considering an abortion. perhaps this sick dream may have something to do with my kitty, otto, curled up to me kneading a pillow between us last night. he won't let me cut his damned talons, but he is really careful not to scratch me with them. that's awful nice of him. post comment

people [12 Mar 2005|12:44pm] [ mood | blank ] are kind of like wind up toys. they keep going and often get stuck, sometimes butting against each other, sometimes butting into the corner. i struggle with my need for an objective reason why these wind up toys matter, but that really isn't my business. it's not my business what happens to the wind up toys, but i find them so beautiful, amusing, and mostly harmless when they get unstuck and can travel freely until they naturally run out of power. in the unsticking, i learn how and why that one got stuck and unstuck from there. i can use that knowledge for another similarly stuck toy, or to get myself out of a corner. objectively, i haven't found anything wrong with that yet. post comment

emotional storms [12 Mar 2005|10:28am] [ mood | blank ] ......i love it when they blow over, despite the 'what the hell was that?'ness left in their wake. all of that energy expended, ultimately for nothing. at least, i'm growing more and more aware that i'm caught up in a storm and am trying to find stability until it eventually ends. it's less clear to me whose emotional storms are blowing through our lives and when: mine or boy's. at any rate, boy caught up with a friend of his last night who helped him get some perspective on things with the two of them, the two of us, and himself. i love it when he hears someone else say the same words i've said to him, since me saying them alone isn't enough. he's going to be so beautiful when he's freed from himself. since i've partnered into the healthfood store and turned it into a healthfood store/yoga studio, i'm hippifying the place up a little bit. i'd hippify it more, but my partner won't let me bring any buddha's in here. since we'll eventually have a different clientele from the sports nutrition/weight-lifting crowd, i suggested we introduce more alternative health products. we now have a mega detox product, bach rescue remedy--a flower essence stress reducer--and more colon cleanse, especially for a guy who has been asking for it and would rather buy it from us than the gnc. i hope my partner's testosterone doesn't kick in and he starts to feel like he's dolled up for a tea party. if we make more money than the store has made as a sports nutrition outfit alone, i say 'fuck it.' bring on those cute hippy yogini's. post comment

gosh, i really miss it.... [11 Mar 2005|01:29pm] [ mood | contemplative ] college. i miss college. i'm ashamed to admit it, but i do. it isn't the broke, no-idea-what-i'm-going-to-do-with-my-lifeness, nor the liberal self-righteousness i miss so much, but rather, the delight in self-discovery and exploration that could so easily be found on campus or around town. perhaps i just don't like chicago so much. as a matter of fact.....that has a lot to do with it. i simply don't live in reality and don't take enough delight in 'what is' to feel satisfied. my mind hungers to wonder and ponder possibilities. i need to see and hear new objects and ideas. i need the freedom to safely twist, distort, and play with reality. most people don't experience these needs. period. the reality is, most people are just fine with reality. i'm fine with reality after i've fucked around with it a bit. i haven't yet figured out how people like me establish themselves and secure a stable living in chicago that doesn't suffocate them with too much reality. we had a student today. wooohooo! 3 comments|post comment

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